A very good evening to the members of the Australian cricket team, who would have wished that the LTTE was still around, so that they could have withdrawn from the series citing security reasons, to the members of the Sri Lankan team, whom our honorable minister of sports would have accused of partying without responsibility had the series been lost, members of Sri Lanka Cricket, who played a bigger role than Rangana Herath in the series victory against the mighty Australians, and last but not least to the crowd that has gathered here. I know you are here because the bars are closed since it is a Poya day, but let your loving board take the credit for bringing you here.

Throughout the series, the attendance has been great. It is probably due to the fact that the team was doing well against a team that they generally don’t do well against. But we will pretend that it was due to the automated ticketing system we implemented before the start of the series. See, we are concerned about test cricket but don’t expect us to nod in approval to the proposed two-tiered structure.

We will pretend as if we are concerned about India, Australia, and England. But imagine this: if two-tier structure comes into existence, then we will have to take test cricket seriously. To sustain good performance over a longer period of time in Tests, you need a good domestic structure. Restructuring the domestic structure wouldn’t go along well with the clubs, whom our power is directly dependent upon. We are like the mother of India, Australia, and England. We are more concerned about them than they are.

You might be wondering as to why I am here. Usually, it is great cricketers who would be invited to make a speech during a presentation ceremony following a historical series win.  But you know, I had an ugly spat with Murali before the beginning of the series. To be honest, I have nothing against Murali personally but was searching for an excuse for an impending series defeat. Now that the boys have done well, I think I have made a huge mistake. So, this is merely a PR stunt to endear me to the Sri Lankan fandom once again. I invited Murali to present him with a flower bouquet and settle the issue. But the old fox is still foxy enough to avoid it.

I also would like to thank the minister of sports, Dayasiri Jayasekara, for allowing the board to function independently without any political influence. He has made a long trip to SSC to assert that Sri Lanka Cricket is free from politics while he is completely oblivious to the fact that Olympics are going in the other end of the world. Fans are kindly requested Ctrl+Shift+Delete the memories of him sacking the then existing selection committee and appointing a new one just hours before the team’s departure to India for the WT20. And you should also remember the fact that I being a deputy speaker of the Sri Lankan parliament myself, there is no reason why politics should seep into Sri Lanka cricket through Dayasiri.

We would also like to take this opportunity to plaster all our faces all over the dramatic series win against Australia. Had they lost, we would not have been anywhere closer to Colombo. However, we have got a rare opportunity to impose ourselves on the consciousness of the Sri Lankan public. Captain Angelo, thanks for the golden opportunity.

In all these years Sri Lanka has been playing cricket, I must tell you only during my incumbency this team has white washed a team that is not Bangladesh or Zimbabwe. I also firmly believe that the fans and the media would have completely forgotten the fact our domestic structure is nowhere near the required standard. Let the cynic criticisms, and earnest calls for better cricket infrastructure be muzzled by the manic sonic of your cheers. Such is the inebriation of a win! Thank you for forgetting and forgiving the delinquency of our administration in the besottment of a historic win. I would once again like to thank the boys for providing us a good cover. Your backs have become the rock behind which our maladroit administration hide.

I must also tell you that we have made a lot of profit during this series. But we don’t want you to speak about the millions of rupees we wasted in the name of promotion before the abysmal WT20 in India. Though the previous committee left the board at a healthy state and we are making a good income, at the end of the year we will claim that we are at a lost. Predictably, we will blame it on the lack of sponsorship and TV deals, IPL, big 3, BCCI, ISIS and Donald Trump. I hope none of you read those articles on how we wasted funds of Sri Lanka Cricket in the name of fundraising events for our Cricket Aid programme.

We would also like to felicitate the selectors and the board for unearthing talents like Kusal Mendis. Even though Mendis was brought to the side during the last board’s tenure, it is during our tenure he scored his first test century.

We are planning to build a cricket stadium in Jaffna. After we complete speaking about it, we are planning to start speaking about building a floating stadium on the sea close to Trincomalee. These are just a few examples. We have many such things in our kitty which we will use to woo the fans and the media when the barrel of the gun turns towards us.

We have also decided to bring a new contract scheme whereby the monthly pay will be reduced and players will be given incentives based on their performances. It is good that there is no more Sanga and Mahela hanging around to bulldoze us. The current lot is not even sure of their places in the national side and hence is least likely to protest the decision. If in case, the players decide to migrate, we will use our favorite whip- nationalism- to accuse and bully them back into the national side.

Ladies and gentlemen, a win in cricket is a potion that makes you forget all things bad; all things important. My responsibility as the president of Sri Lanka Cricket is to further erode this beautiful sport, to milk it and sabotage it and to leave a poorer treasury for other presidents to follow.

I will do that keeping paramount in my mind my Sri Lankan identity; corrupt the game hard and fast and be a whimper with which Sri Lanka can beseech the world. My loyalty will be to the ordinary presidents of cricket clubs, and politicians, their coffers waiting collectively as one to our island reserves and filled with an undying and ever-loyal love for money. Politicians of different races, castes, ethnicities and religions, who together celebrate their diversity by uniting for a common wicked cause. They are my foundation. They are my family. I will corrupt cricket for them. Their depravity is the true depravity of Sri Lanka cricket. With me are all my politicians. I am a criminal, gambler, bookmaker, politician and a rogue. I am a faithful servant of the underworld and prison cells. But above all, today and always, I will be proudly the president of Sri Lanka Cricket. Thank you.
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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction and is expected to be taken in jest.