In a shocking announcement, police officials at the Kotadeniyawa Police Station have revealed their findings that affirm that the current captain of the Sri Lankan team in tests and ODIs has been fixing matches at least for six years.
Their findings have come within a few days of a media outlet claiming that the Sri Lankan players have been involved in match fixings. The expedited investigation process, which has put the Scotland Yard to shame, has been completed faster than Enrique Iglesias’s recent concert in Sri Lanka.
The egregious results of the investigation process claim that Angelo Mathews had accepted money from Sri Lanka Cricket to win matches for the Sri Lankan team, which he has been doing furtively for around six years.
The officials involved in the investigation claim that the fraudulent institution called Sri Lanka Cricket (SLC) has accepted money from a gigantic telecommunication corporation to influence matches played by Sri Lanka. The report of the investigation, which is currently awaiting printing process as printing firms in Sri Lanka are currently clogged with printing ‘Sinha-le’ stickers, asserts that SLC has even signed an A-grade annual contract with Mathews to win them matches.
Sources close to Cricket Machan revealed that the team of investigators was particularly concerned about the scorecard of a few matches in which Angelo Mathews’s incredulous batting, single-handedly, won Sri Lanka matches, which they must have lost otherwise.
It is learned that the match Sri Lanka won against Australia in Melbourne in 2010, a match against Pakistan in Sri Lanka in 2013 and the test match Sri Lanka played against England at Leeds in 2014 are suspected to have been fixed by Angelo Mathews.
It is also alleged that Mathews had also been involved in spot fixings and the police say Mathews often raised one of his fingers towards the umpire before pawing the crease at the beginning of his innings, which was one of the many signals he used to communicate with the bookies. Mathews has also had the habit of raising his bat towards the crowd, which the police claim was another signal.
Mr. T.H.U.G Wickramabahu, the head of the investigation team, told us that they wanted to examine Mathews’s out of the world performances after seeing him wallop a 49 ball 81 against New Zealand in the 2nd T20I.
“If you had looked at the other Sri Lankan players, you could have seen how desperate they were to throw their wickets away,” Wickramabahu made a perceptive remark. “When someone like Mathews plays in a way that is antithetical to others, you have to question the intention. When a team is losing, if Mathews is going to haul his team towards a win, what else reason there could be other than money?” he further added.
He also suggested that the ICC should take a cue from the Sri Lankan Police and appoint police officials at the entrance of dressing rooms so that batsmen who speed towards victory can be made to pay ‘a fine’ on returning to the dressing room, which will deter such deplorable acts. “These inquiries and investigations are bullshit. See, when someone commits a traffic offense, we immediately extort money from them on the spot. This is an era of fast food and instant noodles. If justice is not instant and fast, then you got to say justice is denied,” he patronizingly said.
The media spokesman of the now famous Kotadeniyawa Police Station said that DNA samples have been taken from Angelo Mathews and a bookie, and have been sent to Odel for further analysis. When asked about the need for having done that, the spokesman said that they wanted to see whether Mathews’s DNA matches with that of the bookie which would give a further clue about the scam. He added that Odel was chosen on the grounds of it being known for good ‘jeans’.
The spokesman also said that video footages of the concerned matches have been sent to SAITM for further analysis. When a journalist questioned the sending of footages to SAITM, since usually the footages are sent either to the University of Colombo or the University of Moratuwa, the spokesman told that since SAITM was in the news recently, the media could save time by sensationalizing both issues together rather than separately. He also claimed that the gossip sites in Sri Lanka could greatly benefit as sending the footages to SAITM would help them find numerous permutations to create various conspiracy theories linking both match fixing and private medical colleges.
Commenting on the issue, erstwhile Minister Murvin Cilva told Cricket Machan that, “Others accept money to lose games. But in our country, they accept money to win them. They should be tied to a willow tree and beaten”.
Nimal Weerahansa, a member of parliament, alleged that Mathews’s action must have been a part of an international conspiracy, possibly by the USA to spread the game of baseball in the island. He also advised that since the national interest of the cricket team seems to be losing matches, no one should act against that interest. Tweeting about the shocking news, Nomal Rajapoosa, said that during his father’s regime there were only white vans and not match fixings. He even claimed that his father had gone to the extent of standing upside down (a picture of the ex-president standing upside down was posted along with the tweet) to save cricket in Sri Lanka.
The president of Sri Lanka, speaking to Cricket Machan exclusively, lamented that he had yet to recover from the shock and exclaimed that amma gahai bat eken, which can be roughly translated to English as Mathews’s mom should be belted with sturdy, hard-hitting willow wood.
The Sports Minister of Sri Lanka released an official statement proclaiming that he had received reports and photos of Angelo Mathews fixing matches from a Facebook fan page run by some bigoted sycophants of the national cricket player Mr. FighterFlower and he promised that strict actions would be taken against the skipper.
When Cricket Machan quizzed the police officials about the possibility of Angelo Mathews denying all their claims, one of the officials avowed that they had recently made five people confess to a crime committed by a single person and making Mathews admit to his crime is like getting a fake passport in Sri Lanka.
DISCLAIMER: This article is a satire written in jest. Readers are advised to take this article with a pinch of salt and anyone who has difficulties in doing so are advised to go here.